Eight years ago I thought my life was just beginning. I was standing in front of my childhood church wearing a white dress, my veil blowing in the summer breeze and ready to walk down the aisle to a man I had known for six years. And that day, everything changed.

I wish I could say it was the kind of love Hollywood movies are made of. A year later, I was standing in front of a judge ending it all. At the time, I thought I had lost everything. How could I ever love another again, trust again, feel again.

Over the last several years, I have learned a very valuable lesson… to love myself. In reflecting back on my courtship, engagement and marriage, I was taken aback by how many times I put my wants, needs and desires aside. I thought my life was complete taking care of another, worrying about another. There are certainly times in relationships where one gives more than they receive but the truly tragic piece of my love story was that I was always giving. Those who know me well, know that this is my personality type. But, what was my impetus for always giving more. Was it control? Was I trying to make it perfect so he would never leave?

This is my truth… my impetus for giving was based in fear. As a child of divorce, I thought I knew what caused the breakdown of a marriage. I had seen my parents fight about money, our home and the upkeep of it and about something as trivial as dinner. And so, I set out to right these things. I strove for perfection in our home, in my work and in myself. I tried to do everything in my power to make sure we wouldn’t fail. But we did. The reason my marriage failed was because I was acting to right the past.

At the time of my divorce, I had just turned 27. Those closest to me said I would be married again by 30. Here I am at 34, single. This past year has been a significant time of reflection for me. Figuring out what I want, who I am and who I want to become. Over the past month or so, I have come to the realization that once again I have let fear control my actions. When asked “do you want to marry again?” my typical response has been “I don’t know. I have been down that path before. Is it really worth it.” Or, “do you want children.” Again, my response is “I don’t know if that’s my story.” I have been afraid to say what I want as I fear that if I say it, and it doesn’t happen, I will once again be a failure.

So, today on this anniversary of mine, I am going to lay this fear of failure to bed. There is nothing more in this life I want than to fall in love with my best friend. I want a man who will make me laugh. Who when we are together, my cheeks hurt from all the smiling and laughing we do together. For as Rose Franken said, “Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.” I want someone to explore this amazing world with. Who challenges me. Who makes me see things in a new, interesting and different light. Who will be there when I fall and who will let me be there when he falls. And one day, I hope we will enjoy the joys of parenthood.

I am so very grateful for the failure of my first marriage. Funny to say that now but it’s the truth. He wasn’t the man for me. Do I still love him dearly? Of course and I always will. But I know there is something greater out there for me and I can’t wait to see it unfold!

Sweet Dreams

I just love summer nights… the air, the sounds, the stars. My nightly routine is quite simple… wash my face, brush my teeth and slip into a little something sweet just for me. My collection of nightgowns is quite impressive. Some may say I have a slight problem but I swear, they help me sleep! Here are just a few of my favorites for these summer nights:

– Anthropologie’s loungewear collection is one of my favorite. They hit a home run with this lace romper. Sweet, sexy and chic all in one.

– If I could, I would totally wear this little short set to run errands. The tank matches my boho girl aesthetic!

– There is just something about falling asleep in your boyfriend’s button-down, right ladies?! Thankfully the Gap’s body collection has the perfect shirt for us single ladies!

– In my opinion, this is the perfect t-shirt/short combo for those summer nights that turn into lounging summer days on the porch.

– I can’t get enough of Ebejey’s chemises. Think I have four hanging in my closet at the moment. The best cotton ever!

In the Kitchen

You know summer has arrived when you see the Bartlett’s Farm truck parked on the corner of Main and Federal Street. A welcome sight indeed!

This past weekend I stocked up on some baby kale (my newest obsession), cucumbers (gosh those dark under eye circles) and some beautiful yellow and green zucchini. I just love tea breads so Monday afternoon I thought I would experiment with a new zucchini bread recipe. Several recipes call for at least a cup of vegetable oil, which I knew wouldn’t help my get-into-a-bathing-suit cause. I did a little research and to my surprise learned that I could substitute apple sauce for oil. Genius!

Here’s the recipe I settled on.

May’s Healthy Zucchini Bread
– 3 eggs
– 1 cup apple sauce (natural/unsweetened)
– 2 cups grated zucchini
– 2 tsp vanilla
– 3 cups flour
– 3 tsp cinnamon
– 1/8 tsp nutmeg
– 1 tsp baking soda
– 1/2 tsp baking power
– 1 tsp salt
– 1 cup yellow raisins/dried cranberries (optional)
– 1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips (optional)

1. Preheat over to 350 degrees; grease and flour two bread pans.
2. Grate zucchini.
3. Whisk together eggs, applesauce, and sugar. Add in zucchini.
4. In second bowl, sift together flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, baking soda, baking powder, and salt.
5. Add flour mixture to egg mixture.
6. In a small bowl, mix together raisins, cranberries and chocolate chips with a 1/2 tsp. of flour*.
7. Evenly divide batter between two pans and bake for 50 minutes.
8. Let cool at least 30 minutes and enjoy!

*The flour helps this mixture from sinking to the bottom of the batter.

The recipe I used for inspiration called for 2 cups of zucchini. Since I substituted out the oil, I think I will use 3 cups next time. Also, I grate my own nutmeg so I think I could increase the amount to about 1/4 tsp. But overall, my house guests were quite pleased. Give it a try too and let me know what you think!

Soul Mates

Sadly, I didn’t get that beach day I was hoping for this past Sunday. But, I was able to enjoy a Sunday stroll. While exploring the little shops along Old South Wharf, I met these little lovelies. Aren’t they great? I discovered them at Sweet Little, owned by Emily Brooke Rubin, a very talented island jeweler. If you are looking for that perfect gift, check out Sweet Little. In addition to my new little flats, I fell in-love with a great clutch, the most delightful tea towels from London and some new hair ties. Should have made my list of New & Noteworthy for sure.

Movie Monday – NFF18

Blood Brother
What a festival! I always love walking around and feeling the buzz of creative and artistic minds on this little island. As I mentioned in last week’s post, the Nantucket Film Festival kicked off last Wednesday and ended today with the ”Audience Award” viewing of Life According to Sam and “Best of Fest” Twenty Feet from Stardom.

In total, I saw four films and I loved 3 out of 4. Not bad. I started out with Blood Brother on Wednesday night. This film tells the heartbreaking and inspiring story of Rocky Braat, a 20-something Pittsburgh male who leaves the states in search of self in India. During his early travels, he visited a center that served as an orphanage, refuge, school and care center for children with HIV. At this center, Rocky found home. The faces of the children will stay with you long after the film. A must see, in my book!

Some Girls
Next up Some Girl(s). I so wanted to love this film. And I so didn’t. The main character, played by Adam Brody, is never introduced to the audience by name, which I guess in the end is a good thing because he truly is one of the least likable characters I have seen in a film in a while. And the funny thing is, he isn’t suppose to be the bad guy. The film is about an author who is about to get married so he embarks on a nationwide tour to meet with some of his ex’s who he feels he still has some unresolved issues with. But these encounters, all in hotel rooms (strange) turn out to leave the women with even more unanswered questions. If you want to see a movie that will make you loathe the idea of relationships or that people can grown and change, I guess I would recommend this to you.

Drinking Buddies
Since I clearly needed a cocktail after Thursday’s movie, Friday’s choice was perfect… Drinking Buddies. Loved, loved, loved this film. And I promise it wasn’t just because my all-time favorite guy, Jake Johnson (Nick Miller – New Girl) starred in it. It was just a feel good movie that made me realize that good guys do in-fact exist. And much of the film takes place at a brewery… win/win. Looking for a light-hearted movie to watch with that special guy in your life, rent this!

And lastly, I closed out my NFF 18 viewing experience with A.C.O.D (A Child of Divorce). And since I am a child of divorce, I found this film to be hysterical. And if you love Parks and Rec, you will be happy to know that both Adam Scott and Amy Poehler star in this film. Another must!

Now don’t forget to mark your calendars for next year’s festival – June 25-30, 2014. My countdown has already begun!